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Discovering The Shocking Truth About Food, Jews, Pork and Santa Claus At the age of five I discovered four shocking facts.  1 Food can kill you. If you pick food up from the floor and eat it, something horrible will happen to you.  At very least mother will dance around in a frenzy, shouting and waving her arms like a character in an opera. 2 Santa Claus does not exist. He is somebody's father or grandfather dressed in a hired red costume.  When you find out, you must join the worldwide conspiracy. You are not allowed to tell other .Fairies and witches do not exist either. In fact most things adults say are not true.  Especially promises about tomorrow. You do not go to the circus tomorrow. And dead people such as grandparents do not float off to heaven on white fluffy clouds. On sunny days. They are put in large shoe boxes.  Then sent the other way, underground, in the mud. On rainy days. Mummy is not pleased that granny has gone to heaven.  Mummy is extremely upset.  3 I am Jewish. That means I can't have Christmas presents nor a Christmas tree - unless we stay incognito in a hotel. 4 I am not supposed to eat pork. Pork kills Jews. It doesn't kill other people, only Jews. When you are away from home in a hotel you have to check all your food, because you are not supposed to eat pork. Later there was worse news. The bacon and ham I had eaten so happily in hotels was actually the dreaded pork, in disguise. What with Santa Claus and bacon, you couldn't trust anybody or anything. There are lies, damned lies and bacon, which is pork hidden by another name.  Given this terrible start to life, it is amazing that I am still so sweet-natured, naive and trusting.  I still suspect that all restaurants and strangers are trying to poison everybody, if not deliberately, through a deadly combination of ignorance and negligence. Because anybody who is not Jewish is asleep for four hours, and half asleep for eight hours, and drunk for twelve hours.  I copy my orthodox friends who read lists of ingredients on packages in supermarkets, hunting for hidden pork and E numbers.  Even in kosher restaurants. As for supermarket taramasalata, we just discovered it contained only about ten percent fish roe. Mostly fat. Horrors! Mother was right. Anything in a bottle or a can gives you cancer or sugar diabetes, although these are not listed in the warnings on the label. Apart from your own mother, anybody who mixes together two ingredients is trying to poison you, or cheat you out of your hard-earned money.  
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11/7/2006 7:24 am |
Have you heard of the 3 second rule? Apparently germs can't run fast enough to get onto the food in 3 seconds. Later on in life, I found out that this also was not true. This was my childhood lie smashed Chur FunSeeker.
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Are you really a Jew for Jesus or is that a joke? Are you ever serious? If not, never mind. I'm into stand-up comedy. Maybe we should get together. Could your satnav locate Pinner? Or do you possess a phone?
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